Promise

Forgiveness is hard to ask. Not for me. But sometimes it is hard to ask. Sometimes it is hard to give. It is very hard to give. I am a prideful person, I will be the first to admit it. I think I am the best, and I think I am worth more. And yet, I also think I am worthless, and the worst, and not worthy of anything good.

I must be willing to forgive myself. If there’s truly no one else worthy of my love, other than me, than I must give myself love. I must forgive myself because I am trying my best. And  even if I am not trying my best, I must not hinder the effort. I must facilitate my best work and best effort. I must support myself through life, not be my worst enemy. Enemies will come in life,  road blocks and obstacles, and I must do everything I can to help myself. I can’t expect myself to be able to do it on my own, or at least divided. I must put forth my best effort always, so that I can be my best self always, so that I might entice myself into forgiving myself.

And I want my forgiveness. I want it and I need it.

I will work hard to achieve my own love. The only person I will love more than myself is the part of me that still doesn’t love me. I will strive to be someone that I can love. The hardest forgiveness to achieve is not God’s forgiveness, not my mother’s or best friend’s or boyfriend’s, but myself.

I want to ask forgiveness for scrutinizing myself. For hating myself. For hurting myself. For purposefully making myself unhappy. For not being there of me when I was unhappy. For not helping myself feel better.

I never want to leave myself alone ever again. I will never have to be alone. I will be there for me always, forever and always. I promise.

I promise starting from today that I will love myself and stay faithful to myself. I will not love anyone more than myself. I will protect myself from all harm, including myself. I will put myself only in good environments. I will take care of myself like my parents take care of me, like my parents would want me to take care of myself. I will show myself only good things, hear only good things, see only good things.

I will act in a way so that I may be worthy of my own love, my own love that is worth more than anything in the world, worth more than my life. But I will strive to close the gap between the worth of my life and the worth of my love because when I love myself, I pour worth into myself.

I will never call myself selfish. My very nature is selfless because my self worth is based on how many people I help and that in itself is selfless. Yet, I promise to balance this self sacrificing nature with self love so that I may protect myself from my own actions, many that may be with good intent–the kind of intent that helping others often begins with– but I will always be careful with myself.

I promise to work hard to love myself everyday. Even if it’s hard. Even if it seems impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s very possible. I want to cultivate the best relationship I can have with myself, and be the best person I can be. The most important support I can have in life is from myself. And this is my quest to procure it.

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teenage angstttt sorry i will get back to stories… soon??? WordPress for iPad is like not working for me rn??? Otherwise I could type during class… sigh. I tried typing on WordPress mobile (phone) and it was okay but then I actually had to pay attention in class haha..

yea

idk why i have so much angst yesterday and today. but. yeah. too much angst. at least I am slowly getting caught up on “posting once a day in November” lol

I’m doing the best I can and I love myself for that

+1 self esteem points?

Infinitely many more to go. And I will enjoy every bit of it.

My Ambition

I don’t believe in luck. I believe in hard work, sweat and blood. I believe in tears of frustration. Becuase I believe that from the reatest frustration, comes the greatest change. And I believe in chance. I believe that anything can be achieved and anything can be overcome by hard work. And, perhaps, the truly great people who achieve truly great things need that last bit of luck to to just push their hard work over the edge into the abyss of legacy and infamy. And maybe that’s even scientifically proven.

I vaguely remember some kind of quote that “genius is 1% inspiration and 99% hard work” or along those lines. And I’m sure if you don’t believe me, then you might believe Thomas Edison or Albert Einstein, or something legitimate like that.

And I don’t believe in second chances. I don’t mean that I don’t believe in failure. Failure is the path to success. Without failure, there is no success. With each failure, one experiences great frustration, and from that, can come the greatest chance. Each changes takes one closer to their goal. When I say I don’t believe in second chances, I don’t believe in being wishy washy. If you can’t commit to something, then don’t do it.  If you aren’t intending to achieve something whole-heartedly, throw your entire life into it, then I think it’s a waste of time. Because the thing, the dream, the ambition, I want to achieve, and can only achieve if I attack it in that fashion–put my entire soul into it, work on it day in and day out–and if there’es something–anything–in my life that isn’t that ultimate dream or goal, then I’m going to get rid of it. Immediately. Because I believe life is short. There’s no time to be wishy washy and there’s no time to be vacillating back and forth between dreams. Because my dream is big enough, demanding enough, worthy of dedicating my entire life to. And anything less would be waste of time. Worthless.

And people may disagree with me. That’s fine. I hope people disagree with me. I hope people challenge me on my path to success because I would love to prove just how much I am willing to surmount to achieve my ambition. Will this people get hurt? If I can avoid it, maybe. But. I will not spare other’s feelings for the sake of sparing feelings. I have a greater ambition to achieve. A selfless ambition. It is not for my personal gain, rather for the gain of the 316.1 million Americans alive in 2014, and for every single American born during my life time, and for every single American born after my life time. I hope that my ambition can inspire leaders in other countries, so that they may impact the rest of the 6.8 billion people in the world, and help them rise up. Rise against strife and struggle because everyone deserves a high quality of life. Everyone deserves to enjoy life.

And I am willing to sacrifice anything to help people enjoy life.  Anything.

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I don’t know what this is. I am ready to give up. I feel like a failiure. I just wanted to post something–anything. Sorry that this is not a story. It’s almost not worth putting up on this blog. I may delete it later. But for now, it’s going to stay here.  In fact I have a personal blog that this could go on but whatever. Yeah. Sorry.