Promise

Forgiveness is hard to ask. Not for me. But sometimes it is hard to ask. Sometimes it is hard to give. It is very hard to give. I am a prideful person, I will be the first to admit it. I think I am the best, and I think I am worth more. And yet, I also think I am worthless, and the worst, and not worthy of anything good.

I must be willing to forgive myself. If there’s truly no one else worthy of my love, other than me, than I must give myself love. I must forgive myself because I am trying my best. And  even if I am not trying my best, I must not hinder the effort. I must facilitate my best work and best effort. I must support myself through life, not be my worst enemy. Enemies will come in life,  road blocks and obstacles, and I must do everything I can to help myself. I can’t expect myself to be able to do it on my own, or at least divided. I must put forth my best effort always, so that I can be my best self always, so that I might entice myself into forgiving myself.

And I want my forgiveness. I want it and I need it.

I will work hard to achieve my own love. The only person I will love more than myself is the part of me that still doesn’t love me. I will strive to be someone that I can love. The hardest forgiveness to achieve is not God’s forgiveness, not my mother’s or best friend’s or boyfriend’s, but myself.

I want to ask forgiveness for scrutinizing myself. For hating myself. For hurting myself. For purposefully making myself unhappy. For not being there of me when I was unhappy. For not helping myself feel better.

I never want to leave myself alone ever again. I will never have to be alone. I will be there for me always, forever and always. I promise.

I promise starting from today that I will love myself and stay faithful to myself. I will not love anyone more than myself. I will protect myself from all harm, including myself. I will put myself only in good environments. I will take care of myself like my parents take care of me, like my parents would want me to take care of myself. I will show myself only good things, hear only good things, see only good things.

I will act in a way so that I may be worthy of my own love, my own love that is worth more than anything in the world, worth more than my life. But I will strive to close the gap between the worth of my life and the worth of my love because when I love myself, I pour worth into myself.

I will never call myself selfish. My very nature is selfless because my self worth is based on how many people I help and that in itself is selfless. Yet, I promise to balance this self sacrificing nature with self love so that I may protect myself from my own actions, many that may be with good intent–the kind of intent that helping others often begins with– but I will always be careful with myself.

I promise to work hard to love myself everyday. Even if it’s hard. Even if it seems impossible. It’s not impossible, it’s very possible. I want to cultivate the best relationship I can have with myself, and be the best person I can be. The most important support I can have in life is from myself. And this is my quest to procure it.

***

teenage angstttt sorry i will get back to stories… soon??? WordPress for iPad is like not working for me rn??? Otherwise I could type during class… sigh. I tried typing on WordPress mobile (phone) and it was okay but then I actually had to pay attention in class haha..

yea

idk why i have so much angst yesterday and today. but. yeah. too much angst. at least I am slowly getting caught up on “posting once a day in November” lol

I’m doing the best I can and I love myself for that

+1 self esteem points?

Infinitely many more to go. And I will enjoy every bit of it.

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